Having to “go it alone” on a weight loss plan or healthy lifestyle routine can be a drag. But what might be worse is dealing with a spouse or significant other who doesn’t share your healthy eating plan. What’s behind this hot-button issue? And how can we tame the turmoil that occurs in a mismatched eating scenario? Here are some things I’ve learned from my own experience with this problem, as well as a few tips that might help you through it, too. (And yes, we are still happily married!).
When Food Comes Between You
Whether it’s a New Year’s resolution, an upcoming milestone birthday or even a “doctor’s orders” type thing, the minute one half of a couple starts changing the familiar eating routine, the opportunity for conflict arises. There are likely lots of reasons for this—all of which relate to one major truth: food is a very personal thing, and we all eat. Coming together around food is part of the couples’ shared experience, and changing that up may feel threatening to part of your relationship’s foundation. And when one partner choose to start eating differently, it’s not like the other partner can just avoid the whole thing for the sake of the relationship. Eating isn’t exactly optional. We all need to nourish our bodies. But every one of us also has preferences, opinions, traditions, habits, and judgments that revolve around food.
Strategies For Staying United Despite Different Eating Styles
Changing the food part of a relationship can change the dynamic of the duo in ways that can be problematic. Try these ideas for making new healthy eating habits easier to live with—for both of you.
Give Your Partner Some Notice
Nobody likes having things sprung on them at the last minute, especially when it will impact life for the two of you every single day. Talk about your plan with your partner in advance, and let him or her know not only what you’re thinking of doing, but also why you want to do it. While it might be some serious health reason, it could also be a goal that reflects your life with your partner. If that’s the case, be sure to frame it that way, such as wanting to drop a few pounds so you can go hiking again together like you “used to.” Reflect on your “why” before your conversation. Also, be on the lookout for signs that your partner feels threatened by your plan. Be reassuring and be real.
Ask for Your Partner’s Input and Ideas
Even if you are the one doing the work of making your plan happen, in reality, your partner will be altering his or her lifestyle to some degree to help or at least accommodate you. Acknowledge the impact on his or her life, and ask for your partner’s ideas about how to handle different situations. In other words, involve them. Your “other half” can be your biggest champion and the base of your support system. For example, if you both have a vacation coming up, think ahead and discuss how you might handle things like dinners out, alcoholic beverages, exercise time, etc. Compromise and work together on these issues (rather than simply dictate how it’s going to be). Nobody wants to have their feelings run over by you and your new lifestyle.
Don’t Try to “Convert” Your Partner
It’s one thing to be so gung-ho about your new eating plan that your enthusiasm is contagious (in fact, research shows that the adoption of new healthy lifestyle habits is motivating for partners in co-habitating couples). However, it’s quite another to put pressure on your partner to join you—no matter how subtle you think you are. Getting your partner to join you should not be your goal—your original goal was about you, after all. It’s not your job to “fix” your partner’s lifestyle. If it happens that you naturally move into a more healthful lifestyle together, that’s great, but don’t be a health bully.
Be a Good Cheerleader for Your Partner
Sometimes people on new eating plans can be a little over-the-top about the details of their progress. It can be annoying to their partners. If that partner is you, don’t feel obligated to throw a parade, but do show some support. A smile and “I’m so proud of your effort” or “you’re doing great, honey” goes a long way. (And by the way, not everyone wants the same kind of support, so if you don’t know what your partner needs from you in this department, ask!) And of course, comments like “I don’t see much difference yet,” or “Are you sure you should be eating that?” are hurtful to the relationship and your partner. Nobody likes a nag.
Accept That Meals Will be Different Than They Used to Be
This was a hard one for me to get used to because I always treasured family meals and their importance for connecting and demonstrating healthy eating habits. I tried to make dinner “fit” my husband’s eating plan, but it was hard trying to juggle kids’ likes and dislikes with what he could have and with what I had time to prepare. There were lots of feelings that had to be communicated around this topic (tactfully), but we were able to work it out. We compromised: he eats with the rest of us a few times a week and fends for himself, later (after the gym) on the rest of the nights. It felt awkward at first, I must admit. But, we both learned to be okay with this arrangement.